A letter from November 23rd, 2023

Peaceful right?

Hey future me how are we doing now?
Its our last thanksgiving before being an adult, moms and Kuya are sick. It's been a bad couples of years hasn't it. Right now we're a bit sick too, a real nasty bug it is. Todays the first day we've been able to get up and around. I just want to know why we've been so unlucky.
Four damned years of hell. All four years of high school have been completely miserable. There's been pockets of light keeping us going, but it really feels like this damned streak of misery is never gonna end. I'm being selfish I know that, but why can't I be happy. I should be wishing mom could be happy, but I'm such a terrible kid that all I can do is think about myself. Why couldn't I have any good birthdays, Christmas's, ******* summer breaks. Why couldn't I have just one thing. Every little accomplishment and event was overrun by someone else. So what we couldn't go snowboarding, so what Kuya ruined it. So what he had to be admitted back into the psyche historial. So what we failed all our classes our junior year the most ******* important one. So what we haven't turned in all college application when they're all due in 5 days. So what if you preformed for your school so what you represented your culture for the mayor.
What's the point of all of it if we're not happy. if nothing matters, if I don't even want to be alive. why does any of it matter. but I still want to be happy, is that selfish of me. to wish to be truly happy for once. To not find things that I think should make me happy that others expect me to smile and laugh at. I've felt so empty for so long. But I know I shouldn't. I have nearly everything I could ask for don't I?
I have a mother I have an amazing step dad I have a big brother I have friends right I have my family.yet I'm not happyyet I still cry with an empty head.
even now tears stream down my face, still my head reamains empty. only in times like this do my thoughts not hurt.
Everything is to much. but it'll all my fault. if I could be normal, if i wasn't such a coward everything would be okay.
Maybe if I was just a bit stronger I wouldn't be such a burden.
this is my promise- I will make it to graduation, then I'll leave maybe move across the world where no one can find me where I can learn to love myself.

Epilogue

11 months later

I’m almost done with my first year of university. It has been a struggle. As always math and us don’t get along. We’ve failed one semester of math most likely...

Hsti lfai ot neo tnex sa ewll onigg. Gaetr ton its’. Owkn to dtn’o utb do i twha. .
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Seeht i haet inrwtgi rteeslt. Einglfe in mflsey ym auiendce i i ’acnt narib tell stge h?yw hte ulryt ofr notnoi tath way but fi rof an not iths if rndwoe or hayz im’ nigwirt ’mi. Ahtt a i of on lesmyf veah peag osmt tengenairint hte enrvsoi edne to. Or mfro rae mocign im’ sowdr ehste hte carrhet me lal irnitwg. Me it aesscr. .
To ahtt at cfae ’im trluy mayeb sdege ro the i raeyfd eth tfca asdcer am. Lseef ti eerhw nad nweh ew eilk fo teh lsowlaw olrfo sti’ taht filegen yma us ikel all flsal oklo dorlw oelwh het eht eudsdn gdee,l a rvoe. Pins ew tath i’tns hte lutyacal atht rafida while yveah hwo feel us witgnri pseruers dnow. Kams htat onw su wee’v teh arecdte ooslf enve. Raadif nvee eped lalenf usiesdgi stol atht os ’weev tngote ni nto’d hatt wnok ew oru how evw’e. Ahtt mese ahtt the lefe vrene lrea yad ot ayd rvene esigefln msee ot tkcsi, ot. F,eel ew wnhe vesrsoleu no us rapep ot rswod enoc thsi at artst all lte vhienteyrg nugiptt owh we eufersd. .
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A os neev now nca to eiecdsd eilsft ertteaol nrpoes rctptoe yoln from taosnic sti trehi lnuti vnee nbira mee,lstvehs hm,uc mrof. Ilek ’sti is’t a *** l,iecch a ro lflaewrat ubt. Itwh ti a hwo a strsat creltki efw ri,spd ymaeb. Fllas ta oecn rintygvhee lla efbreo. Awht eth at het ordwl noce ihst emsse hwgtie kiel of lal. Cna i is bineg gnoimesht llsti nvee hreet hn,te dna eenv nwok ,eotnmms bcak tseho ni elhd. .
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Eifndr wne evwe’ a mdea. Seems eomr yte utb ew naninogy fi ikel are naht gcnati ntahnyig i cdien,tfno moer dedcei ot evah it mi’.
I’m escrda. .
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Em het saersc lrdow. To oetmmn i ingawk tsop it ask caeh. Utb hte oen onr tno ehva i ma dgo do fo pwore i. .